I remembered the password! It's amazing that's been so very long since I lasted logged in to this account. It's been a blast reading where I was all those years ago and with whom; interesting, indeed.
Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: Dougie MacLean - Feel So Near
Does it exist? What would be my catharsis? Where would it lead?
I really detest that ideology; however, perhaps a catharsis is exactly what I need. But, this cleansing would require years of understanding, of introspection. Or, perhaps it is as I've thought: it's all bullshit. This Occidental psycho-babble is an over-thinking of ...
"Lost again, broken & weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand, dizzy & clearly
Unable to just let this go..."
It's not often I let another person speak my thoughts, but this is just too apropos. I have chosen just to live; however, sometimes I regret that decision. Maybe when I have let those of whom need my direction understand me, then I can move on to the next stage. When will that be? I am weary of this life, and I am certainly unable to find my way. Actually, I know my way. That may come as a surprise to some, but I do; I am just unable, or unwilling, to complete that path.
Just when i thought Enough was enough, i understand Nothing. Is that clear enough, or Not Enough, it is Jokingly stated.
Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Gravity
I can remember the exact day I began to love chardonnay. I'm sitting here drinking my third glass, surrounded by people whom I love, and who, in turn, love me. Yet, my mind is about a billion seconds away; I can't believe it's been a billion, but it has. Why?
If I could drink myself into oblivion each & every day, I think I would. Yet, I quit... but, who likes a quitter? So, this facade goes on. In disappointment, I have found myself; in support, I've wandered.
Courage... re-read the poem on courage. If you think you understand it, re-read it again; after that, if you think you understand it, then you will understand me in my current situation. Courage... an interesting concept; and, Kaela has it right with one word, "cheap." Courage comes cheap in today's day & age. Yet, is it then courage? Perhaps...
I'm starting on my 4th glass of chardonnay, and I remember why I drink this wonderful libation, why I love it so. Perhaps the One that helped me love this wine will understand, if only she knew... if only she knew.
Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Passive
Oftentimes I am never here
Finding myself living in the shadows and reflections
Of a building in Quebec, a bench park
That offered its solace to beleaguered individuals
Rarely does a day go by that I step outside those memories
Walking in a shell of time that is not time
Dancing between two arms that never were
Listening to Our Song not meant for us
I walk a tangent miles in length
Only to find that the world is transparent around me
I see an empty hand wondering where the other half appeared
And listen to the echos of an enormous silence in between
Then and now
You see oftentimes I contemplate courage
The ability to act when that ability produces an undesirable affect
Or desirable as the case may be
Desire, now there is an interesting word
Perhaps courageously desiring is the pinnacle of hiding under today
Sometimes I am prescient divining yesterday's events
Imminently aware of tomorrow which I've lived
And, honestly I have no desire, I live the future
The past does not exist, and I have divined the now
Oftentimes I whisper out to a lost soul
Perspiring in a the stillness of my often-time
Where the heart's desire becomes a millstone in a sea
Laden with the salt of millions upon millions of tears
Perhaps, because, of that tangent that should not be
Where is my yesterday, become the future, divining today?
All too often, I'm lost in the tomorrow of shadows
Of begging on the street, playing the drums on the Wall
Embracing a wisp that never will be
It's amazing, people actually think they can truly know something, anything. Is this the place the Absurdists lost touch with their reality? I can only think that their solution, and, hence, their interpretation, is complete horse shit... even if the only meaning to existence is pro-creation, at least there exists meaning; then again, what is meaning? If meaning can be defined, as it must, only from perspective, then I am truly alone. Knowing that, on the quantum level, the molecules that define this entity on the physical plane never interact, without being destroyed, with other molecules, which is to say, in essence, knowing that I cannot touch something, how can we say that we are with another being?
The concept of the singular 'I' needs to be revisited, as well. There are beings alive apart from my consciousness that live within the constraints of what is considered the body and who are essential to the continuation of my physical life. Without these other beings, 'I' would not exist. Yet, they are incorporated in the Western definition of the 'I', or the id or ego, as it were. They can affect my moods, actions, reactions, health, and interaction on every level.
Current Music: Pink Floyd - Momentary Lapse of Reason
Have you ever been in a rythm of life where the lights, sounds, music, voices, smells and feelings make for a surreal event? Where each sensation is multiplied a thousand fold and you experience a sensory overload, to the point that it seems as if it's sensory deprivation? Then something discordant happens and the house of cards seems to tumble in upon itself; the careful blocks of sensation that were layered one upon the other unravel, leaving a feeling of despondency; however, it's a morbid despondency, where it drags the rythm where it will, until it is no longer a rythm but a jumble of movement.|
The amazing thing is that this jumble of movement then becomes a rythm all its own. Is it, then, truly discordant? Only viewed through the glasses of expectations, I suppose.
My dance was interrupted, pleasantly, but interrupted nonetheless. Unexpectedly, an awen's voice returns, and once again: discord; and yet, I have to ask myself, "Is it?". If you are looking for answers to this, I've yet to find them, the dance is still too chaotic; the lights, sounds, music, voices, smells and feelings are churned together from yesteryear and today. I find myself spinning standing still, wishing the spin would end; somehow, though, one more discordant note would be a welcome relief, and it, the Expected One, would be the biggest; however, even though I hope, I doubt it will ever come.
|» C'est la vie|
Wow, since my last entry, a lot has happened: I've been destitute, homeless, found a job, move from Connecticut to L.A. (for work, which didn't pan out), and then moved to Great Falls, MT to work for my Native company.|
Sometimes... just sometimes... I wish things would have turned out differently; and then, I look at what I have and feel lucky that I, at the very least, am where I'm at, rather than several of the alternatives.
Much like my first forray into corporate Amerika, I find that I have not time for anything, other than work, getting ready for work and cooling off after work, then bed. What a fucking fiasco.
There's a bench that sits between the river Saint Lawrence|
and the docks of the Old City
It lies in shadows, somewhat damp, its metal cold
A ray of light falls upon one corner
The last of the Day slowly fading away
Casts its ornamental glory not only upon this
Faded relic of a bygone day, but upon the glass
This squat building becomes, if only for a second, a Tower
As if from the City to which this city aspires
Yes, Winter is on its way
Now, two people sit upon this bench
It's odd: the one sits, the other rests her head on his lap
And the sun, almost gone, gives her a crown
An angel arrives, almost 4 years of age,
Escorted by those in the know
And in response to a polite "hello"
Asks about the dimming light flashing from the glass Tower
You know, it looks different from now
And neither the couple nor the child, with her parents, remain
I'm tired, my ankles are bleeding, I should rest
The fountain is dry, getting ready for the frost soon to arrive
And this bench has transformed before my eyes!
It's platinum sheen lights the surroundings and brings
Beauty to all around it, even donating life to the tree
One last breath before the long kiss goodnight
It's wood, not wood at all, but something more precious
The cracks in the worn texture disappear
It invites me
As I sit, I notice that it's not quite as cold as first appears
Its precious metal warms me, fills me, comforts me
The back and seat seem made to order
And then the moon displaces the Sun
And shivering, I leave for home
Halfway there, I forgot that I had forgotten something
In returning, the bench remains, but that which I had lost does not
It seems a plain, ordinary bench now
Yet, I know, it whispers in my heart,
That appearances are deceiving: it looks different now
I can't sit there anymore, yet, I return hoping to catch the Sun
At the right angle, at the right time, from time to time
|» Something different this way has come|
I've ended back up in Connecticut... not going to Australia as I had previously thought. I'm not sure what to make of that.|
I didn't have the greatest time here last time, as anyone knows me is aware of that fact. I'm not having the best time here this time, either. I've been so fucking busy it's been unreal. Other than that, I've not had time to see the one person that has remained a friend from that first time, and I've been trying, right Steph? hehe
Well, I have to go administer a test, I'm hoping I can get a hold of you today... have your people call my people, let's do lunch!
I'm listening to Tool's Eulogy, how appropriate, LOL. *sigh* Sometimes I'm really shocked about where my life has taken me. I'm together with someone I care about, who's wonderful, sweet & fairly intelligent; however, she has somewhat of a sordid past. I can't seem to get over that because it always seems to interfere in the present. Maybe it's because her past is the recent past, or maybe it's the nature of the Beast. Whatever it is, it's adding more stress to my life; more than what I really need right now.|
I'm working on a 4.0 for this semester, but, it's going to take some extremely hard work to get it. It will be worth it eventually, I hope, as I plan on going to grad school, in Australia!!!
Steph, where are the new quizzes? I feel as if my life is totally incomplete, I haven't had a worthl... *cough* interesting quiz lately.
Looking back over the last 5 years, 1999 to 2004, I have to say that, overall, I'm pleased. Well, perhaps I should add a stipulation: with my academic, professional & spiritual development. My personal, specifically relationship, life has sucked.
Jen - Where the fuck are you!?! God, I miss you, I know you don't read this, but, there's always hope.
Erika - & me, too, Brutus? Perhaps I gave up when I shouldn't have, or should have earlier; I honestly can't see through that morass of a few months ago. I wish... well, yeah, what I wish is as valid as shit on hot pavement. I know what I want to say, but don't know if it will fall in the vacuum that's been present since then.
Alison - You've proven to be a great friend. I really need some advice, encouragement & a smack in the head, LOL. Don't rush so fast to complete the latter!
Kristin - What can I say? Honestly, without you in my life, I wouldn't be where I am right now, for good or for ill. It's been a Heglian Dialectical life since I met you, & I honestly hate Hegel, ROTFLMAO. That's no reflection on you, just on the situation in which I find myself.
& last, but most certianly not least...
Marcie - You've been there through it all. I can't thank you enough for listening when I just needed an ear & a friend. If I don't write often, please don't take offense, it's the way that I am. I still think about those I love & care about, almost every minute of the day.
For those that didn't know it, I have a website up to chronicle my exploits & adventures: There's Treasure Everywhere